The Anti-Bucket List
I have a bucket list a mile long, featuring places I want to visit (Istanbul, Buenos Aires and Bora Bora) and things I want to do (learn to play the violin and write a mystery novel). At the other end of the spectrum, the anti-bucket list, the things I hope to never do, that gross me out, freak me out or tire me out at the thought of them.
They say it’s good to have goals. Mine are never to do the nine nasties below.
1. This actually came up repeatedly during the shooting of The Shopping Bags, as we brainstormed creative ways to test products. “Let’s test hairspray by jumping out of a plane!” No. Just no. Not open for discussion. And I’m not afraid of heights. I’m afraid of doing stupid stuff that can kill you.
2. I love making people laugh but I never want to do standup comedy. Improv is one thing. Standing on a stage, alone, in the dark, in a room full of people who are eager to heckle you is public speaking meets Nightmare on Elm Street.
3. My days of cooking for the masses are over. I would never want to open a restaurant. Way too much work. A bakery is even worse. While I enjoy baking, I don’t want to get up at 3 am to get the dough rising.
4. I never want to go on a reality show where I have to do gross stuff, like swim in a vat of slithering pythons or eat live cockroaches. No amount of money.
5. If you could promise me an iron gut, then maybe. Until then, no India for me. Sadly.
6. Spinning amusement park rides. Top of the list, the Zipper. Even the Teacups are out. See #5. Fear is not ruling me here. It’s pride.
7. I get going topless, but nudist beaches are not my bag. I don’t care what others do, but you won’t see me baring it all in public. You can add no streaking to that list. Or nude sex scenes. Not that anyone is asking.
8. When I get nervous or hot, I get sweaty palms. I need a towel to hold a plank on a bosu ball so rock climbing is definitely out. They’re getting sweaty even at the thought of it.
9. Prison scares me.
I need to go have some Pepto. I got a stomach ache just thinking about it all.